The Struggle (and payoff) of Feeling

Throughout my life, I’ve always taken too much time to think. I’ve always thought about too many outcomes and scenarios, as well. 

I start by thinking about something that happened (or could happen), which spirals into a vicious circle of thought. I continue to think about this one thing for hours, days, even months. It would haunt my mind, and I wouldn’t be able to escape it. The thoughts continued to cloud my mind and take over my peace of mind. 

I still do this today. When my mind gets fixated on something, it is very difficult for me to end the thoughts that continue to fill my mind. It is because I feel too much. 

It was always my belief that no one else had this problem. People never showed this side of themselves in public. I believed that people were numb to having feelings, especially men. It wasn’t “cool” to feel anything, and it still isn’t cool today. It is looked upon as a flaw. 

I completely disagree with the idea that having feelings is a flaw. We need to experience feelings in order to discover what we want in life. If something bothers us, hurts us, or tortures our minds, it means that we need to fix our current situations in order to ensure that we do not feel this way in the future. 

Without feelings, we wouldn’t possibly understand what we want. This is what I believe is the problem today. We are no longer told to listen to ourselves. If people were encouraged to listen to ourselves and our feelings, it would be much easier to think clearly. 

The issue is that we are encouraged to hide our feelings, wear a certain mask, and act like someone we are not. This mask could take the form of many different people, all combined into one inauthentic, disingenuous mess. 

A perfect example is hook-up culture. There is no longer any incentive for most people to develop long-term, lasting relationships with ONE person. It is about meeting as many people as possible, sleeping with as many people as possible, and disrespecting each other in the process. What is the value in this? Is there ANY value in this? 

For someone who cannot subscribe to this culture, it is extremely difficult to find someone who feels the same way. It causes those people to feel alone, to feel inadequate, and to feel unwanted. 

But please, if this is you, do NOT feel this way. 

There is absolutely nothing wrong with having a desire to create long-term happiness with one person. Someone who is trustworthy, loyal, compassionate. Someone who brings you long-term satisfaction instead of empty short-term pleasure. Someone that deserves the purity of your heart and soul. 

I’ve only recently been able to believe that this is true. As I continue to hold my values and morals, I’ve found that it brings me closer to people who deserve me. I have met people who deserve me and people who don’t deserve me. After trial and error, there is a major distinction between the two. It hurts to experience it, but it is absolutely worth it. We need these experiences of pain to grow as individuals. Once we have a better understanding of what we want, it is crucial that we take a chance and seize the opportunity that may be right in front of our eyes. 

I wish the same for you, the one who is sensitive, the one who has been hurt, the one who thinks differently. Most importantly, the one who wants something special. Continue to hold on tight to your morals, your beliefs, your values that guide you to happiness. These are not flaws in you. On the contrary, these are the things that make you special. You deserve to have something special if you continue to keep your values sacred and your soul intact. 

Remove the mask and embrace the feelings that make you who you are. It will eventually pay off for you. I truly believe that it has for me.